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Food

Dunkin' Donuts Axes the Coffee Coolatta Because It 'Isn't Good Enough'

Failing frozen coffee drink isn't even liked by the megachain that makes it. Sad!
Photo via Flickr user spablab

An unsolved mystery is plaguing the community of frozen-iced-coffee lovers from coast to coast: Dunkin' Donuts will no longer be serving its Coffee Coolatta. DD fanboys are asking: Why Dunkin'? Why?

Why would Dunkin' get rid of what appears to be a relatively popular drink?

According to Business Insider, Dunkin' is taking an interesting approach to the announcement: "Our Coffee Coolatta isn't good enough," Chris Fuqua, Dunkin' Donuts' senior vice president of brand marketing, said on Tuesday when the company announced that the Coolatta would be replaced by something called Frozen Dunkin' Coffee. The new drink will be made from coffee extract, sugar, and dairy and will be more of a riff on the chain's traditional iced coffee.

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Is it possible that a massive corporation is admitting that one of its products… sucks?

Executives at the announcement on Tuesday also said that the new Frozen Coffee was targeting "a different type of customer than the Coolatta." Hmmmm. What the hell does that mean?

Maybe the reason for the switch is that Dunkin' is feeling remorseful about how godawful the Coolatta is for you? The large mocha version has almost 1,000 calories and more than 130 grams of sugar. That's half-a-day's worth of calories and more than two times the amount of sugar most human beings should consume in a day.

Hold on—that can't be the reason either: The new Frozen Coffee is hardly better. The 32-ounce large contains 840 calories and 123 grams of sugar. And yes, there's a skim version—but that has 550 calories and, somehow, 125 grams of sugar!

Anthony Bonitatibus, a brand marketing manager at Dunkin', said, "We're always thinking about what is the next big thing in coffee, because we can't just rest on our laurels."

Maybe the truth is that the Coolatta really wasn't that good. Twitter user @andrewjbeaton has a theory. He tweeted: "Adieu, Coolatta. First sip was always delicious. 15th sip was always disgusting."

Never willing to leave well enough alone, MUNCHIES decided to head off to the local Dunkin' in our unending thirst for the #Truth and see if the Coffee Coolatta is "good enough" for our editorial staff.

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Matt Zuras, Senior Editor: "I'm neutral."

Hilary Pollack, Culture Editor: "Tastes like depression."

Becky Hughes, Intern: "DESTROY IT. Wish it into the cornfield."

Sydney Mondry, Social Editor: "Not good. It has a really gross aftertaste."

Brad Cohen, Weekend Editor: "I guess it's OK. It's not something I'd ever drink."

Me: "What I imagine liquified Werther's Caramel Coffee would taste like. Toss it."

The people have spoken. Maybe Dunkin' Donuts was on to something after all.