High School Suspends Football Players Who Ran Around With Oreos Between Their Butt Cheeks

What a waste of perfectly good cookies.

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Dec 4 2018, 3:31pm

Getty Imgaes/Fajrul Islam // Emojipedia

On the website for the Byron High School Athletic Department, the news feed in the center of the page is blank, other than a placeholder that says “There are no current headlines.” That couldn’t be more wrong. There have been a lot of recent headlines about the Illinois high school’s football team, and they’re mostly variations on “FOOTBALL PLAYERS DISCIPLINED AFTER PUTTING OREOS BETWEEN THEIR ASS CHEEKS AND RUNNING ACROSS FIELD NAKED.”

According to the Rockford Register Star, 10 members of the football team were disciplined in an unspecified way after admitting that yes, they’d stripped naked, placed at least one of America’s favorite sandwich cookies in between their buttocks, and made their way across the field. On the bright side, after conducting exhaustive interviews with 30 members of the team and the entire coaching staff, and after watching security footage of the incident, the school’s administrators determined that everyone who put snack foods dangerously close to their b-holes did it voluntarily.

Buster Barton, the Byron school superintendent, said that a student told him about the Oreo incident shortly after it happened in late October. “We take any allegations like this very seriously, and we have a system in place to address it,” he told the Register Star. “But this had nothing to do with hazing.”

The school’s athletic department sent letters to the parents of the students who allegedly participated in the Oreo Run, and holy shit, we would’ve loved to have been in the room when those envelopes were opened. “Your son’s name was brought forward as a possible connection to the situation in question,” each letter said. “[Your son’s teammate] admitted to running across the football field, without his clothes, while carrying an Oreo cookie between his buttocks. This action is a violation [of] the Byron School Policy [...] for participants in extracurricular activities.”

The participants were deemed guilty of indecent exposure and suspended for three football games, including the Class 3A state championship—which Byron ultimately lost. (The Register Star noted that none of Byron’s best players were benched for any of those games, which doesn’t necessarily mean that they weren’t among the group who had to discreetly brush Oreo cookie crumbs out of their own asses).

Although things like “Naked Oreo Run” and “Oreos Between Buttocks” will show up in Google searches for Byron High School from now until forever, school board president Carol Nauman was pleased with how the school’s administrators handled the situation. “They did everything they could [to protect the kids], and they have worked very hard to get this right,” she said. “As far as making it better for the future, I think that’s going to take some time, but we need to work on that.”

They also need to work on how the football team will handle inevitably being pelted with Oreos during away games next season. Good luck, fellas!