These Cocktails Will Help Your Bitter, Broken Heart Survive Valentine's Day

Not everyone is having a wholly lovey-dovey Valentine's Day experience this weekend. Oh, no.

Sure, there are plenty of sappy-faced blobs of mush everywhere you turn on February 14, giving each other corny-ass bouquets and gazing sappily into each other's eyes and buying lavender polyester lingerie and bumping uglies while they listen to Hoobastank.

But what about the lonesome, the broken-hearted, the ones who did it all for the nookie, the ones who had their tender heart put in a blender? What's their game plan for V-Day?

Drinking. Duh.

We rounded up cocktails from a few of our favorite bartenders to help the rest of us survive this grueling holiday of drugstore teddy bears, mediocre chocolate, and abrupt existentialism. These drinks were formulated to turn your feelings of ;( into the 100 emoji.

If your version of post-breakup depression comes in the form of full-blown emo vibes, look no further than the Blood on the Tracks from Aaron Melendrez of Bon Vivants. "This drink is an ode to an album I received from a dear friend during a big heartbreak," Melendrez explains. (Hint hint: a singer-songwriter named Bob Dylan has a record by that name.) And with tequila, blood orange, lemon, and pomegranate, it's sweet, tart, and potent enough to get you through an evening of wondering whether they meant it when they said, "it's not you, it's me." Did we mention that it's garnished with a broken heart?

If you're more of the numb-to-everything type, sip on La Sonámbula from Tales of the Cocktail's 2016 bartender of the year Ivy Mix. Pretty spicy, a little herbaceous, and so very soothing thanks to chamomile syrup, it's the ideal accompaniment for a tearful viewing of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Cocktail whiz Al Sotack came up with this long-winded, bangy cocktail, which is an homage to the Dax Riggs song of the same name. If you're in the "get super fucking lit" stage of the grieving process, sip on this hardballing overproof rum drink. What breakup? What loneliness? Let's put on some coconut bras and dance on the bar!

Maybe things ended a little unfairly. They ghosted. They cheated. You cheated, but while you were really drunk on overproof rum cocktails and it didn't mean anything! But they dumped you over Snapchat anyways. Ouch. Let the tears flow and the healing begin. The Crybaby, from Torrey Bell-Edwards of Brooklyn's Willow, gets its name from its puckering sourness, courtesy of lemon, yogurt whey, and sour beer. But it's a little sweet, too. Maybe there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

And if you want some company in drinking any of these lovesick libations, invite over a Tinder date or that babe at the coffee shop. Maybe your Valentine's Day will turn around and you'll become a heart-eyed sap like the rest of them.

This first appeared on MUNCHIES in February 2016.