Funeral Home Invites You to Eat Free Pizza While Planning for Your Inevitable Death

It's easier to stare into the abyss when your mouth is full of cheesy bread.

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Jan 29 2018, 10:00pm

Photo via Flickr user sanfranannie / Modified version by Hilary Pollack

Do you love pizza, but feel like you can’t enjoy it without grim reminders of your own mortality? Do you enjoy biting into hot and melty mozzarella while considering whether you would like to spend eternity inside an 18-gauge steel casket or a burnished metal urn? And, in your mind, do pepperoni and cheese go together like customized burial packages and affordable payment plans? If so, Krause Funeral Home has an exciting evening planned for you and your loved ones!

According to FOX6 News, the Wisconsin funeral home is promising a free pizza party for anyone who would like to hear about the rising costs of burying someone, in between bites of cheese- and tomato-sauce-covered bread. Janice Cassle and her husband, Dale, said that they took the funeral home up on its pizza offer last year, and those free pies were topped with nothing but peace of mind. "I never liked death. I was always afraid of it,” Janice said, but now she’s presumably cool with it, since she’s locked into a fair and reasonable price for her own memorial, even if she lives to be 1,000. We’re talking deals, baby!

Mark Krause, the owner of Krause Funeral Home, told FOX6 that last year, more than 100 people came to its pizza event, hungry to both enjoy cured meats and confront of the inevitable demise of their own bodies. Pre-planning, he said, is the smart way to go, because funeral costs could double within the next 15 years, which is probably well before most of us will be ready for our forthcoming dirt naps. “You buy your funeral today, and we guarantee you will get your service and merchandise without any added expenses in the future," Krause explained.

Apparently, pizza is a good way to get people to think about death; within the past few months, funeral homes in both Texas and Missouri have held similar “Pizza and Pre-Planning Events.” One Georgia funeral home excitedly invited people to “Mix and mingle over pizza and cocktails,” while a euphemistically named Minnesota Celebration of Life Center promised “all the pizza you can eat,” because why prolong your life if you’re already planning for your funeral?

Back in Wisconsin, the Cassles seem comfortable with their decisions. “We’ll have a little food on the side, and I’ll be cremated afterwards,” Dale said. What’re the chances that it’ll be pizza?