Wisconsin Rattled to Its Core as Packers Quarterback Gives Up Cheese

Just where is a bona fide Cheesehead to turn when their patron saint publicly rejects all that it means to be a Wisconsinite? Will the streets of Madison soon be littered with the charred rinds of cheeses lit on fire and tossed through storefronts? Hell, is Wisconsin still even Wisconsin? Won't somebody please think of the cows?!

These are just a few thoughts that come to mind after catching word of a most ominous revelation that could very well shake the whole of Wisconsin to its dairy-loving knees. As it turns out, the star quarterback for Wisconsin's Green Bay Packers, Aaron Rodgers, has done the impossible and announced that he will henceforward be going cheese-free.

That's right, the 2010 Super Bowl MVP—and brother of Jordan Rodgers, a contestant on this season's Bachelorette—explained to the Green Bay Press-Gazette earlier this week that a minor knee surgery has made him rethink his heath. While recovering from the surgery, Rodgers "ate more of a vegan diet, with some red meat at times and some chicken, but tried to stick to a lot of fruits and vegetables—but mostly vegetables." Now he's decided to go dairy-free.

The diet heard around Wisconsin is thanks to Rodger's genuine wish "to get healthier." He told the Press-Gazette, "I've done a lot of research and talked with Adam Korzun, our nutritionist, and some other friends around the league about how I can extend my career and how I can be and feel healthier. Through your eating, you can reduce inflammation. Because if you do research, you learn the different foods you eat can actually increase the inflammation in your body—and especially in certain parts of your body."

You have to admire Rodgers' transparency and determination in the face of fans who call themselves Cheeseheads and a state economy that is supported largely by local cheese producers.

Rodgers, currently 32 years old, says he hopes to play in the NFL until he is 40, and that he believes his new diet will help him realize that goal.

If only the great Jesse Ventura was still in the Midwest instead of burying some Illuminati hit squad under a mango tree in his Yucatán compound. Surely he would do something to ensure the stability and sanity of the region, right?

In addition to countless Packers fans taking to the internet to express their dismay and grief, some of Wisconsin's 78,000 dairy workers joined in to voice their opinions. No surprise, considering that $43.4 billion of Wisconsin's gross state product is thanks to the dairy industry. Just to give you an idea of how impressive that number is, that's roughly half of the entire state's agricultural output. In comparison, Idaho sees only $6.7 billion annually from potatoes and Florida only $9 billion from its citrus fruits.

You can take the cheese out of the Packers, but you can't take the Packers out of the cheese.