Fatten Yourself with Cheese to Survive Winter

Winter becomes the abysmal frozen hell that makes all humans edgy and bitter. So what can get you through these winter months? Besides the obvious combo of Xanax and marathon-watching 'Stranger Things 2', eating cheese helps a lot.

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Dec 17 2017, 3:00pm

Photo by Janelle Jones

New York has seasons. Until global warming burns that truth into oblivion, we New Yorkers get the markers of time passing via waves of fresh vibrant vegetables at the farmers markets, the bursts of autumnal rainbows in the changing of the leaves, and the first freshly fallen snow—so pure, so white, so fleeting. There's also the fact that seasons—at least summer and winter—last a really fucking long time, and what was once all charming and shit at first turns into a repetitive torture, not unlike having to listen to a Celine Dion album in entirety. During summer's long months, everything becomes so sticky and lethargic that even the jingle of Mr. Frosty can't motivate you to move away from the whirling fan. Winter becomes the abysmal frozen hell that makes all humans edgy and bitter (I might be projecting, but I still think I'm right).

And if you are anything like me, you are tired of seeing Instagram posts of abstract platings of sliced fruit with the Caribbean Sea as the backdrop from some yoga chick you know who likes to vacation in Tulum. And your ass hurts from slipping on some black ice when you were only a block away from home and it was too freezing to cry out in pain. Does this sound familiar?

So what can get you through these winter months? Besides the obvious combo of Xanax and marathon-watching Stranger Things 2, eating helps a lot. We humans are just little animals, and like animals that live out in the wild, we too are affected by nature. In winter, we need to fatten up, store up energy, and feel cozy and soft in our own skin. Winter is for gorging, feasting, and eating away the feelings of desperation and loneliness. Winter is for cheese.

Cheese has been around for a loooong time—like Jesus's ancestor's times—and has been rumored to come from the actions of some people who were crossing the desert with their sacks of milk. Back in the day, there was no Jansport, so these sacks were the stomachs of goats, which is a fashion trend that's totally going to come back in style any day now. All the enzymes that are in the tummies of goats got mixed together with the milk and BLAMO! When that super thirsty traveler tried to drink up, he was met with a chunky concoction of curd and whey.

Granted, things have changed quite a bit since back then, and everyone and their mother claims to have been a part of the discovery of cheese, but none of that really matters when its 16 degrees outside and everyone around you has the flu. This is the time of year to indulge; to sit around with the heat cranked up to 78 degrees and make the best grilled cheese sandwich of your life with Cabot Clothbound cheddar and pimento cheese spread on sliced white Pullman bread, fried in mayo, all gooey and golden brown, and figure out what the fuck is going on in the Upside Down.

Thank you Netflix, and thank you winter.

This article was originally published in January 2015.