Tips to Help You Improve Your Kitchen Safety

So I just finished this thing called a "first aid class" at the public library and it made me realize how much of a dummy I've been in the kitchen lately! If you're as clueless as I was about kitchen safety, no worries, my fellow chef. Just memorize the handy checklist I've prepared below and you'll be on your way to a sanitary and secure cooking space in no time.

Male Chef Kitchen Safety 101: This is a no brainer—STEAR CLEAR OF THE STOVE! Steam is water's hotter, more sinister cousin. Cordoning off a dangerous heated area can help reduce contact with this vicious vapor.

Be sure to cover ALL sharp tips in the kitchen. The last thing you need is a sharp piece of produce accidentally penetrating the wrong orifice.

DON'T CHOKE. Every diner's meal must be diced into the smallest of pieces to avoid clogging their windpipe. This includes appetizers, sides, and sweet treats reserved for the meal's finale.

The wrong ingredient can ruin a meal, or worse yet, be lethal to you and your fellow diners. Keep in mind all of your party's allergies and be sure you've got all the correct ingredients before leaving the supermarket.

Kitchen Hygiene

Armies of GERMS are ready to invade your body at a moment's notice. Make sure to build a barrier between your flesh and any surface that your body interfaces within the kitchen.

Sinks are dirty water portals. Hands touch them, adults spit in them, babies bathe in them. Borrow this classic barber's tool for a sink-free chemical cleanse for all of your utensils.

True fact: Meats are festering canvases of bacteria. Handle them with the utmost care until you've thrown them on the grill at full blast. Burn them to a crisp and crunch your way through some clean protein.

Kitchen Security

Keep your groceries on lock by adding a deadbolt to your refrigerator. Only give copies of the key to your spouse and to a trusted emergency contact. When your kids turn 18, maybe give them one too.

You'd lock up your bike to keep it from being stolen, so why are you leaving your condiments out unsecured? Salt and pepper are particularly in demand right now and their values have skyrocketed on the market, making them rife for the taking.

Never miss a thing in the kitchen by keeping an eye in the sky with a variety of advanced security systems. It may break the bank at first, but I assure you, its a worthwhile investment.

Finally, make sure to splurge for some suppertime security to make sure "no one fucks with you" while you're eating. It is integral that household guests have their identities verified before sitting down for a meal with your precious family.

Stay safe!! The kitchen is a dangerous room!!

With Hunter Steinman, Misha Spivack, Greg, Michele, George, and Kenny.