This Wine Advent Calendar Will Get You Shitfaced 24 Days in a Row

Because you can only have so much eggnog.

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Nov 5 2018, 8:49pm

I’m still finding Halloween Starburst wrappers in my coat pockets—because I’m still eating Halloween Starburst for breakfast—but apparently we've skipped right to mid-December. Starbucks has already released its annual non-denominational holiday cups—and this year’s are in no way offensive unless you’re red-green color blind. The big box stores have shoved all of their leftover candy corn on a shelf behind Santa-shaped lighting displays. And your aunt has already posted at least a dozen Michael Buble Christmas album songs on Facebook.

So yeah, there’s like eight more weeks of coping with gratuitous tinsel tacked onto everything, which can be difficult if you live in a state where weed still isn’t legal. Fortunately, Aldi has realized that Americans need a festive way to get shitfaced, so it’s bringing its popular Wine Advent Calendar to the United States this year.

The calendar, which launched in the United Kingdom last November, has 24 single-serving (200ml) bottles of wine behind each of 24 miniature cardboard doors. (According to The Drinks Business, all of those tiny bottles are the equivalent of six full-sized bottles.) The inaugural U.S. version will be available from November 7 until your local store runs out, and with a one-calendar-per-person limit, you’re sure as hell keeping this one for yourself.

The booze included in each calendar is an international mix (Argentina, Australia, Chile, New Zealand, South Africa, and the good ol’ U.S.A) of reds and whites, and there are also two bottles of extra-dry Prosecco. Aldi’s website says that the price might vary from state to state, but Food & Wine reports that the base price will be $69.99.

If you can’t get to Aldi—or if you want to send a calendar as a gift—VineBox is taking pre-orders for its 12-night version, which retails for $129. If harder spirits are your thing, then Master of Malt has a wide range of gin, whisky, Scotch, rum, or vodka versions. And if you want to build your own, the Craft Advent Box is just that: an empty-but-festive-looking cardboard box that you can fill with craft beer or small bottles of wine.

Or you can just go to your local liquor store, skip the cardboard contraptions and religious pretense and just pour yourself a goddamn drink every night. And if they’re playing Michael Buble in the store, we think you’re allowed to just unscrew the cap when you’re standing at the counter.