A Korean restaurant is putting melon- and banana-flavored powder all over its multicolored fried chicken and it must be stopped immediately. This is unacceptable.
The past couple of weeks have been marked with ferocious debate over the merits of zombified foods. How much should we preserve the sanctity of guacamole, for example, without muddying it up with English peas for the sake of adding "intense sweetness"? It's enough to make a taco corridor in Mexico City revolt with indignation. (The POTUS, for the record, declared on Twitter that he does not condone this blasphemy.)
And then there's KFC's recent unveiling of its "Chizza," a pizza that implements fried chicken as a crust for mozzarella and oregano rather than a standalone entity that deserves proper respect.
So now that conventions of both Mexican and American food have been effectively desecrated, it's time to put all of this into perspective by considering the existence and objective of the Stoplight Chicken at South Korea's Mexicana Chicken.
Get it? It's red, green, and yellow. Like a stoplight.
But those aren't just colored powders. They're flavor crystals! And they taste like strawberry, banana, and melon!
Wait. Back up. Someone thought it was a good idea to take the salty, savory, crispy perfection of Korean fried chicken and contaminate it with artificial fruit garbage dust?
Yes. The answer is yes. What's less clear is why someone thought that the addition of what can best be described as crushed Runts would improve upon the glory of seasoned battered poultry. Sure, it's photogenic ... but there is something deeply disturbing about this whole thing. Its sinister nature supercedes that even of Chizza.
Naturally, South Korea's mukbang community decided to have a go at it. For the unacquainted, mukbang is the online world of on-camera eating, wherein young people wolf down large quantities of rich foods as their adoring internet fans watch via live stream or video.
The mukbang reviews are in, and unsurprisingly, they are not so into the fruit chicken. Apparently a generous coating of melon-flavored dust doesn't improve upon the ever-popular paradigm for standard Korean fried chicken. Who knew?
But don't worry—like the pea guac, we can shame this atrocity back into the perverted idea swamp from whence it came.
Though rest assured that in a 2015, post-Chizza world, no food is safe. Next thing you know, we'll all be eating bacon burger hot dogs, mac 'n' cheese cupcakes, and Italian dessert nachos.
Oh wait. Those already exist.
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