Concerned Adults Claim that Bubble Tea Is Ruining Teens' SAT Scores

Although Nextdoor still insists that it’s the best way to stay informed about what’s happening in your neighborhood, reading the posts that my own neighbors write and respond to has made me terrified of making eye contact with any of them. (Right now, they’re arguing about whether the power company’s new smart meters are secret spy devices, brain cancer delivery services, or both). But sometimes it rightly points out the ever-increasing dangers and unchallenged threats that might be sneaking around the corners, targeting the most vulnerable members of your communities. You know, things like suspicious adults loitering near a preschool, coyotes spotted near the swingsets or—worst of all—boba tea.

The Best of Nextdoor Twitter account highlighted the heroic person who rightly called out the biggest risk facing the Youth of Today: the boba tea shops in Millbrae, California. “I agree with the lady who spoke at the public hearing who said that kids hanging out at boba milk tea shops are throwing their futures away when they should be studying SATs, nonstop.”

First, I kind of wish I’d been at the public hearing where someone reported the connection between tapioca pearls and low test scores. And next, this person is obviously right: In order to achieve a perfect SAT score, it’s imperative that you spend every second of every day absorbing data analysis, statistics, and probability and DO NOT EVER stop to eat or drink, especially not to sip a jackfruit smoothie with boba and pandan jelly. If you do that, you’re basically saying “I care less about college than I do about the satisfying chewiness of this $4 beverage.”

“I guess that’s why I never finished grad school,” one person responded on Twitter. “I loved [sic] waking [sic] distance from a boba shop.” (The boba tea seems to have affected her ability to compose sentences—a perfect case study). “Wow,” another added. “Who woulda thought that alcohol and drugs weren't what would do us in. It's those sneaky boba tapioca balls! We are all doomed!”

She’s right. Last year, Skyline College in nearby San Bruno, CA, wrote an introduction to the delicious scourge known as boba tea. A local high school student said that her friend made her try the tea and now she was hooked too. “[It’s] better than sex,” she told The Skyline View. Goddamn, this is how it starts, this is how Big Boba gets its smooth, satisfying claws into our children.

Parents, talk to your kids about boba tea—but don’t do it near those smart meters. They’re listening to us. They’re always listening.