This Electronic Overlord Will Remind Food Service Workers to Wash Their Filthy Hands

What will those wacky Koch brothers think of next? And before you answer: no, it's not ruffling more of Boss Hoggs' feathers. Instead, it seems the far-right power-duo are taking just a moment of time off from heroically swaying voters in favor of a far more Orwellian undertaking: making sure that their employees wash their dirty, filthy hands.

Atlanta-based manufacturing company and subsidiary of Koch Industries, Georgia-Pacific, announced a recent partnership with CloudClean LLC to create a tracking system to monitor whether employees are really washing hands, and all in real time.

The system, which has the subversively fiendish name "CloudClean Hand Hygiene Compliance Technology," just might change hygiene standards for food workers everywhere. That is, before it gets around to overthrowing and enslaving us all in its perfectly sterile clutches.

So how does it work? Well, should an unsuspecting violator visit the bathroom and upon exiting, gambol by a conveniently hidden, hockey puck-sized Room Sensor without activating the aptly named Soap Sensor—all the while maliciously smearing pus and grime around their immediate surroundings like the sanitary scofflaw they are—an alarm will sound.

That's right.

The alarm, sounded in real-time, is relayed via cloud back to a Hub, located presumably in some subterranean bunker teeming with mole people. The information held on the perpetrator's Smart Name Badge, along with the knowledge of their ill deeds, will be sent to management via an invasively state-of-the-art text message.

Yes, each employee's name tag will be pre-installed with technology that reports on his or her bathroom hand-washing habits.

CloudClean could totally do a cross-promotion with the new Terminator movie, in which the Kochs push a mud-laden Schwarzenegger into a vat of that industrial, pink soap. Huzzah for hygiene! (And Skynet.)

Putting aside the scary overlord aspects of it, CloudClean could really be onto something here, should their roll out with Georgia Pacific prove to be successful. The scientists at the Centers for Disease Control would probably do unspeakable acts to see CloudClean systems in the men's and ladies' of every fast-food establishment across this germy country.

After all, a recent CDC study comparing the periods 2006 to 2008 and 2011 to 2013 showed that although rates of E. coli (the Jack in the Box killer) went down by 32 percent, and listeria and salmonella poisoning cases were flat, a deadly bacteria known as vibrio is on the rise. Vibrio—which is usually spread by eating raw shellfish, especially oysters—increased by 52 percent.

No company wants their employees to spread vibrio—or norovirus, another malady that CloudClean promises to eradicate. But it's a little too late for the 170 passengers on a recent Princess cruise who came down with the dreaded illness.

Having pledged to spend $889 million on the 2016 elections, the Kochs are willing to go to great lengths to express their disdain for "big brother." And yet Georgia Pacific doesn't seem to mind putting a big red eyeball in their employee bathrooms, overseeing all.