How to Get as Much Free Food as Possible on Election Day

Fellow Americans, we have been forced to sit through one of the most bizarre election cycles in modern history.

From FBI probes and "locker room talk" to yuge walls and fainting spells, the American electorate has been bombarded with political ads and news reports depicting the potentially catastrophic scenarios that could occur if either major-party candidate wins.

But that's all behind us now, as the American people finally get the chance to exercise their inalienable right to submit their choice for President. Being able to participate in the democratic process—not to mention putting an end to this hellish campaign season—should be a reward in itself, but apparently, some of us need a little coaxing in the form of beer, pizza, and doughnuts.

In an effort to get people to the polls, restaurants, bars, and cafes across this great land are offering *crazy deals* on food and booze. So after you vote, exercise that other inalienable right: the right to eat and drink with patriotic abandon. Like any good binge-eating session, your best bet is to alternate between sweet and salty. Once you've maxed out your sweetness receptors, your body will be craving salt; give in and repeat until you're maxed out.

We would head straight from the voting station to Ben & Jerry's, where you can get a free scoop of ice cream upon showing your voting stickers. In addition to self-indulgently reveling in social media attention for your "I Voted" sticker, you can also sink into some Phish Food. Krispy Kreme will also give a free doughnut to anyone who presents their "I Voted" sticker, which may or may not be legal. But free doughnuts! Democracy is the best.

Then, head on down to Bob Evans, which is offering 30 percent off their meals today if you click dat coupon.

You're probably thirsty at this point, at which point you can head on down to World of Beer to get a $1 craft beer. Once you're good and faded, it's time for pizza. Free pizza. Free Chuck E. Cheese pizza, if you dare.

Feeling tired yet? Knock back a 7-Eleven coffee for $1. And the cannoli polls are closed, according to Bertucci's, who are offering free Election Day cannolis.

It's time to hunker down in front of the TV or laptop with a free Firehouse sub and free cookies and watch the results of the election trickle in. At this point, you're probably gross and bloated, much like our political system. But you've voted and you've eaten a lot of food for cheap.

Sure, all of these companies are capitalizing on Election Day with these patriotic deals, but what could be more American than making money off of the most important political decision of the last four years?