Stop Whining Because a Cronut Burger Made You Sick

Well, we've really done it this time, you guys! We put our guard down for one second and now the Canadian media would like you to believe that our population is about to be massacred by sugary, deep-fried carnival food. If you haven't already heard, over a dozen people contracted food poisoning—some got it so bad they even wound up in the hospital—from Toronto's sloppy ol' CNE.

What was the culprit? Were people eating out of the garbage to protest the long line-ups at the Swing of the Century ride that nearly killed a whole bunch of people at the turn of the 21st century? Was a vendor stirring toilet water into the chocolate covered bacon wrapped hotdog batter, then passing it off as a demented art installation? No. Not this time.

This year, the intestinal terrorist was none other than the notorious and main attraction of the CNE food court—the Cronut Burger. If you don't know what a Cronut burger is, you have every right to be proud of yourself, but your pride is about to get a scissor kick right in its stupid little dick. The Cronut Burger is the bastard child of a deep fried cheese croissant donut hybrid, sandwiched between an all beef patty. One food critic described his experience to the Toronto Star by explaining how, "the granulated sugar falls into your hands, mixing with the burger grease to form a kind of salty-sweet gravy that oozes down your chin." Now let that sink in. Welcome to 2013, where mainstream news is all about people shitting their pants after eating one of these unholy treats.

What else is in the news? Oh, you mean besides Bradley Manning getting 35 years in prison for leaking US Military secrets to WikiLeaks, possible usage of chemical weapons in Syria, and Mubarak being freed by the Egyptian courts? Nothing! Nothing at all! So clearly we should be focusing on the victims of a food poisoning epidemic at Toronto's finest carnival, where carnies are allowed to be carnies, and Rob Ford has appeared, in a previous year, as a butter sculpture.

As for the victims themselves, I have to wonder at what point they realized the violent diarrhea and vomiting was going above and beyond the physical illness they expected to endure after eating such culinary atrocities. What's really concerning, besides the fact that people are actually confused as to why they got sick in the first place, is now this will most likely affect Toronto's everlasting quest to get more diverse street food carts in the city. We can't even handle ourselves around a clusterfuck of donut burgers, so how are we ever going to get taco stands in our public parks? C'mon people. This is why we can't have nice things.

I feel for the victims, I really do. I suffered from food poisoning last winter (shout outs to A&W) and as I write this I currently have the flu. But when you play with fire, you're bound to shart. You can't expect to go to a carnival to eat novelty food, and expect to feel like you just dined at a five star restaurant.

The good news is, even though the Cronut stand has been shut down, you can still go and get items such as the Grand Slam—which for $35, is a buffet of chocolate covered bacon, deep fried butter, a deep fried Mars bars, a "Twinkie Log", one deep fried rice crispy square, a deep fried brownie, and your choice of 2 drinks (pop/water).

The question remains, however: Will the CNE begin to restrict certain food items after this incident? Or will the great unwashed continue to eat overblown snack food that was once considered a comedic fantasy seen on The Simpsons? You decide, Toronto. Just keep it to yourself the next time your butt explodes with rage, after you stuff your face with deep fried chocolate and sugary hamburgers, immediately before you board a bunch of rides that spin you around and drop you from midair like a sack of stale Cronuts.

by Pat Maloney, a writer for the comedy web series Random at Best