This Bandit Is Using Baby Food to Wreak Havoc On an Ohio Town

There is truly no more terrifying specter of thievery and sabotage than a horde of diaper-clad toddlers slipping through the inky blackness on highly customized Big Wheels (maybe aside from the bloated and steam-shrouded manatee of a human that is Marlon Brando in The Score).

Now, there is finally tangible evidence to back the ever-nebulous claim: Babies are terrifying. And their evil logic is playing out in a very confused town in the Midwest.

Local authorities in Port Clinton, Ohio are bemused and bewildered by a spate of highly vicious acts of vandalism perpetrated by the veiled enigma currently known only as the "Baby Food Bandit." So far, two cars and a house—all in different parts of the scenic town of Port Clinton—have fallen victim to the BFB's puerile acts.

So just what did our aspiring scofflaw actually do? Splattered a shit-ton of the eponymous baby food all over the aforementioned victims' belongings, it seems. The crimes were perpetrated sometime on Saturday night.

The call for the first of the three incidents came in to police early Sunday morning. A woman reported that someone had poured or thrown baby food all over her boyfriend's car. In addition, there was some sort of "dry baby food"—unsure what that might be, but I'm thinking baby kibble—on the "top, rear and front of the vehicle, including the windshield."

The woman who reported the crime couldn't imagine who the Baby Food Bandit might be, but noted that "someone might have something against her boyfriend"—who was in jail at the time.

Moving on. Half an hour later, still on Sunday morning, another report was made. The dispatcher noted the similarities—it's baby food again! The police arrived, and a man led them to several bottles of baby food lying on the side of the road. (Where are Ice-T and Mariska Hargitay when you really need them?) He said that the car belonged to his fiancé and—although the car had by then been cleaned—the gentleman produced pictures of the carnage. The condition of the besmeared car was "oddly similar" to the one in the earlier report.

Baby food everywhere. We are not done. In the final incident, again reported on Sunday morning, a homeowner told police that someone had thrown jars of baby food against his house.

The shocking crimes are still unsolved.

Ok. This isn't much in the way of international heist capers, but we have to cut the criminal(s) some slack. After all, if the weapon of choice is any indication, they probably are just starting to figure out the whole "fine motor skills" thing.