Avocado Lattes Are the Final Nail in the Coffin of Human Dignity

What hath Donald Trump’s glowing orb wrought?

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May 22 2017, 9:37pm

Photo via Instagram user ozeatingwa

Much like the presidential aspirations of one Donald J. Trump, avocado lattes started as a joke but then became a terrifyingly real prospect. A few days ago, a bored barista posted an Instagram video of himself sloppily pouring a latte into a hollowed-out avocado, and he probably assumed that would be the end of it. But no, because this is 2017 and we'll eat anything with a fucking hashtag, customers started asking for it at his Melbourne, Australia coffee shop.

Yeah, for now, the avolatte is a real thing. (I will never type that a-word again, not even if one of them becomes sentient and hires me to manage its social media presence). According to the Australian Associated Press, on Monday morning, the Truman Cafe sold four of those ridiculous beverages, carefully handing them to customers in exchange for real money. (They cost the same as a regular coffee.)

"Maybe some people thought it was meant to be a joke but food is meant to be fun, food is meant to be art," Jaydin Nathan, Truman Cafe's head barista and hipster Dr. Frankenstein said. "Some people don't like [chef] Heston Blumenthal but I guess it depends which way you look at it."

I'm looking at it with disgust, because there's no other way to look at it. Even Nathan thought as much when he spoke to a different news outlet earlier on Monday. "I think it's ridiculous," he told news.com.au. "It's literally coffee in a piece of rubbish."

It's too late, Nathan. BECAUSE LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE. There are now copycat avocado coffees all over Instagram, created both by actual baristas and by GOOP-types who are probably trying not to slosh this all over their full body coral grass masks and activated charcoal pizzas.

Everyone needs to just put their avocados down, take a deep breath and think about what they've done. (This is exactly why London restaurant Firedog has banned avocado from its entire menu.) You don't have to order this. You can let it die a slow death, before it's topped with whipped cream and pink sprinkles and branded a Unicavolat—dammit, NO. JUST NO.

MUNCHIES has reached out to Truman Cafe to understand why they've unleashed this demon drink upon humanity but has not yet received a response.