The Supreme Court Thinks Raisins Deserve To Be Free, Like You and Me

Raisins. They're a sorry, gnarled lot that have more in common with Hugh Hefner's scrotum than any actual foodstuff. Even when they're wholly ignored and relegated to nursing homes, we as a culture just love to hate them. So, it should come as a surprise to all when the Supreme Court actually took the side of the dehydrated turds in a legal battle that came to a close earlier today.

Marvin and Laura Horne are California raisin-growers. They brought a lawsuit against the Department of Agriculture claiming that The Agricultural Marketing Agreement Act of 1937 is unconstitutional.

Why?

Because it required the Hornes and other raisin-growers to set aside part of their crop and give it to the government, which could "make use of those raisins by selling them in noncompetitive markets, donating them, or disposing of them by any means consistent with the purposes of the program."

In 2002-3, the percentage of crop that the growers had to set aside was roughly 47. In 2003-2004, it was 30 percent of their crop. That's a lot of raisins. The government could then sell all or part of those raisins, and had to give the growers fair market value for the raisins it sold. But it didn't have to compensate the growers for all of the raisins because it was not required to sell all of the raisins it received.

The reason for this raisin intervention by the government? To "maintain stable raisin markets." That or to protect us from raisins, which are undoubtedly the true form of the Illuminati. I mean, how the hell else could you possibly explain something as sickeningly nefarious and subversive as rum raisin ice cream?

Anyways, the Hornes said the raisin hand-over was an unlawful taking of personal property without compensation—and that it violated the Fifth Amendment to the US Constitution.

Chief Justice Roberts wrote the raisin opinion and he agreed with the Hornes. Leave it to the conservative justices to strike a blow for free raisin trade. Just don't ask them about whether you are free to marry your gay lover or get an abortion. But we're so pleased to know that laissez faire economics prevails for our shriveled friends!

Anyway, the majority of the Supreme Court agreed that the Hornes' raisins should not be taken away until they are compensated for every last raisin. And this is where the Supreme Court began to really dig into the true nature of the raisin itself.

What is a raisin, Justice Roberts? Well, the Chief Justice said: "Raisins … are a healthy snack." That's about as much of a shocker as when that hellish blob of misshapen raisins in the bottom of your trail mix bag reveals itself to be some sentient form of alien life.

The Court went further. The oracles in D.C. pointed out that raisins are not like oysters.

Why? Because oysters grow in the open seas, while raisins are "private property—the fruit of the growers' labor." In other words, raisins are private things and oysters are public things.

Who knew? Does this mean the California Raisins aren't the secretly re-animated, sun-dried cowboy prostates of the various Marlboro men? I was so certain.

Anyway, it is now the law of the land: raisins shall be freely traded.

Justice Thomas, not known for his sense of humor, even cracked a joke in his concurrence: "'Just compensation' in this case would be a fruitless exercise." Get it? Fruitless? You don't know funny he can be until you see JT crushing it at an open mic night on the Hill.

The dissenting justices—the liberal branch of the Court—wrote that the government was compensating the growers for value received on the raisins they retained. And yes, this might be less than the raisins growers would receive in an unregulated market. But guess what? The raisin-growers are benefitting from regulation, so suck it, they argued.

The liberal justices obviously don't get into the nature of the raisin at all—in fact, they say the Horne family is just concerned with whether or not they get paid for their raisins. Hence, unlike their conservative counterparts, the liberals refused to opine on the true nature of the raisin. Party poops.

So, what have we learned?

• There is actually a governmental body called the Raisin Administrative Committee. Seriously.
• Raisins have been officially deemed a healthy snack.
• Raisins and oysters are quite different.
• Raisins deserve to be free, like you and me.
• I could easily spend the rest of my life making up raisin puns.

Justice is served.